& my world will be coloured.

Friday, March 21, 2008

i know it's very late right now. everyone seems to be sleeping soundly.. however.. my mind is totally not in peace. I dunno why.

i met mr asmadi today at bartley. he brought me and aqidah to his office. and we kinda talked and joked, as per normal. and then he started asking questions. and there's one question that is playing on my head since he asked. he was asking how were things between me and bf. i wish i have an answer to that. i told him everything is okay. and there are ups and downs. and even though his reply was only a few words, at least it seems conforting to me. he said that it is a usual thing. and i was thinking. what seems ok, and wad doesnt?

thruout this relationship.. i might push the blame to gerald even though i knw it's totally my fault. i dunno why these few days my mind is in a blank. i am tired of arguements, im tired of everything. i stopped getting angry. i stopped being worried. instead, i start to get things confusing. i told him once that i wanted to temember this holiday together. but not this way. how i wish he knws how my heart felt. i dunno what is happening arnd me now. all i knw is that i have a wonderful family that could at least see the joy that im spreading.

but these few days, i apologize for the things i have not done wrong. and all these may seems weird for those who knew me. i really miss the way things were. i miss my life. i miss those secondary school times. i miss the moment of that lovely feeling i have towards him. sadly, right now, i dunno whether im walking to the right path. he's busy working day till night and cant meet me. at the most, 5 msg per day. 7 days of working per week. how can i live with that? and i thought when he took his day off, we could spend time together.. in a happy way. but i dunno why things turned out differently. i dunno why. i wish i could turn back the time. i really wish.

i dun have so much expectations from him. i just need someone who could give and take in this thing. it's been a long time since we met. i dunno wad's happening arnd him. wad he does, how his life have been for the pas weeks. i start to feel insecure again.

and then mr goh asked why the tickets for the concert has not been selling properly. just last night gerald called up and asked for the ticket to see my concert. i was happy and excited at that moment. but.. i dunno why.. something then stopped me from being too happy. mr leng told us that when we are up there to perform, dun ever once think abt other matters. always feel the music and let the audience appreciate it. but for once, for once this heart of mine cant rest. i cant see myself playing beautifully and harmoniously to a large crowd where i knew.. he is somewhere up there looking at me from a distance. it's been a long time since i met him and... i dunno why... i have this feeling that.... i dun even want to see him ever again. i dunno wad is the reason. is it because he simply breaks my heart? or is it because he hurt me too much, till i cant afford to see that charming face? i dunno. i told myself that im not prepared to see him yet. and im passing his ticket tmr. i guess, i make a quick one and i'll be off. tmr is a public holiday and he will still be working day and night. if that is wad he wants, den i cant stop him. thats the reason why i locked myself in silence and see where is this heading to. but i feel... this is getting too far. im afraid i might get drowned in my own assumption of things.. or even get lost in the jungle of thoughts. i dunno.

so walking back to a familiar path.. meeting my secondary school teacher.. makes me... a student there once again. and i admit that i miss mr asmadi. so does aqidah. even though we both might laugh here and there.. we still miss those good times when we were in his class. as what aqidah said, he might be reading our blog. and even if he read this, i just wanna say that he has been a great and awesome teacher. not only as someone who educates us, but someone who we could trust and share our problems with. someone that can be called..... a friend.

i dunno what will happen next between me and gerald. i dunno what is he thinking. i dunno what is he doing. i dunno what is he feeling. does he miss me? does he love me? does he...... treat me as a frend now? i dunno. i keep on praying. i hope God could light up my way and show me the right path in this difficult situation. i know He will help me. i believe in Him. as for now, i will spend my days with those who appreciate me and at the same time, keep those problems on hold. i've put in my effort in solving my problems. and im tired of it. but that doesnt mean i give up. i just want to have a rest and take a "breather". im sure He up there will help me too. Insyallah.

Fif ♥ 4:28 AM