& my world will be coloured.

Thursday, May 8, 2008

i cant believe what i did, what i said and what i wrote. most mportantly, i cant believe wad happened. i feel like crying but no tears are coming out. i feel like screaming but i dunno to whom/what. i feel like hurting myself but it's sucha stupid thing to do. i feel like throwing things at someone but i dunno who. i feel like sitting all alone but im afraid of the lonelineess. i want to tell things to someone but i cant get him/her now. i feel like running away but i dunno where. i feel like... calling him and tell him im sad and angry at the same time but he wunt understand. now that's wad i called.. mixed feelings. i dunno what else can this brain of mind can think of. i thought last christmas i put aside and settled everything. bt i didnt see this coming along. i didnt knw that my feelings will change one day. i didnt know that things are going in circle. well. maybe i know. maybe aqidah knows. but i want to be happy mar. i simply want to be happy. he knws real well that i wanna stand by him always. i want to be with him like forever. but why cant he change a little bit to complete everything? why cant he understand what im trying to say all this while? why is he so cold somewhere deep down until.... i am the one who always get hurt? i want him to hug me close once again. i want him to be the nice cool guy once again. but why things happened this way? why things simply happened this way.. till.. i am the one who wants the separation. for the first time, i felt sad but im not doing anythign abt it, to cool myself down. maybe im stil hoping for him to come by and comfort me.

today's mum b'dae. i collected the cake at compass point with adik arnd 3pm. we stopped by at the library, ate at banquet, and collected the cake. we cabbed home instead of taking train or bus. for one whole day,i try to keep myself happy by doing other things. i simply try not to let myself drown in my own pool of sorrow. we cut the cake just now. just before that, i went down and gave him the letter. i wonder what is his reaction. will he read it? will he forgot all abt it? will he throw it away? will he pretend nothing happen? will he call me once he read the letter? will he msg me saying that things will be okay? will he even talk to me? :( since last christmas im so lost with lots of questions. i tried to smile and laugh in front of everyone. but deep down, im kinda disappointed. sad. frustrated. i dunno. cant we end things cleanly?

and i dunno why i put that pic up there. there is a reason(?) i dunno. i just dunno. i cant think. god. help.

Fif ♥ 8:26 PM